Check yourself before you wreck yourself (and others)
On the dangers of believing everything we think
True freedom lies in not caring what other people think of you, many a wise person has said (including of course, my favourite, Bruce Lee). But just how easy is it to care a little less about other people’s perceptions, when as relational beings, we’re practically socialised into putting a face on things, whether subconsciously or conspicuously? And how to deal with the assumptions that other people make and the misunderstandings that ensue?
Perception is the root of misunderstanding
This has come into sharp focus in a couple of interactions I’ve had lately. In fact it happens all the time, to all of us - we imagine ourselves to know what another person is thinking, why they’re acting (up) the way they are, and we base our responses (or hasty reactions) on these imaginings rather than on the reality, which is more often than not, all about the nature of the other person’s mind.
In other words, our propensity for self-centredness is the root of our stumbling inter-relations. We are all part of the problem. And we can each be part of the solution.
Most recently, a neighbour with whom my spouse and I are on friendly terms uncharacteristically and quite snippily asked me if me and Dylan were feeling better because we appeared, to her, to have been in a sulk, which she misinterpreted (and as I later suggested, projected) as our annoyance with a recent neighbourhood party. I was quite taken aback at the tone and the implication, and frankly riled at the accusatory tone and suggestion that I owed an apology or explanation.
Somewhat reluctantly, in the interests of clearing what was clearly a misunderstanding, I explained to my neighbour that perhaps she had caught my partner or I in a state of inwardness, perhaps ruminating on troubles and concerns that she, of course, would know nothing about, and which had in fact given us due cause to be distracted. To anyone observing us from the outside, we may well have appeared sulky, disgruntled - in other words, having a very human experience.
It struck me that because I hadn’t been wandering the fields laughing, singing, smiling, on the lookout for someone to wave to or engage in conversation - in other words, I hadn’t put on an outward performance - that I had been taken to be under performing my social responsibility.
My initial reaction was shock and irritation, particularly as my mind was heavy with processing the troubling state of multiple personal and global concerns. The audacity, how dare she, “oh how she has revealed her true nature”, I said to Dylan. My instinct was to think how to correct and fix this outrageous misunderstanding, how to assert my truth (the party, incidentally and notably, had nothing to do with anything).
I’d only recently coached a spiritual care client through a reflection on a series of interactions they’d had that were rooted in confusion and misunderstanding. Pretty quickly, my own irritation dissolved into a broader reflection and realisation that this was and wasn’t all about me, or indeed our neighbour. To have reacted from a place of hurt would have only caused harm. As it turned out, it was a stumble in understanding and an opportunity to recalibrate our relative awareness.
It’s not you, it’s me (is it?)
Beware expectations, assumptions and projections - such was my response delivered in a kindly tone to cut through the errant perception that my neighbour’s mind had clearly become mired in.
Now, I too can be and have been caught in this same self-centred inner monologue, assuming someone’s mood or tone to be directed at me, wrapping my mind in stories about the cause for someone’s behaviour (often Dylan, because we spend the bulk of our time together and as the psychological theory goes, proximity can breed contempt as much as intimacy). What I, we, risk forgetting is that everyone has their reasons, and they are not always, in fact often not, about us. We are not the centre of everyone’s worldly concerns.
Misreading faces. Mistaking concentration for a sulk. Sorrow for spite. Our minds will make a misery out of anything unless we know that's what they, we do, and then check our thoughts and realise that most of the time, these imaginings are not true.
Much of what we think (we know) is not based on reality. It’s a fabrication. A story we’ve told ourselves. A web we've woven. None of this is to say that our thoughts are entirely bad or can’t be trusted. A little discernment goes a long way. It's a matter of knowing how to direct the mind towards wisdom by recognizing the propensity for being misled into confusion.
As the saying goes, you never know what somebody is going through, so watch your mind and interrupt the mental tirade before you slip into critique when kindness and curiosity is really what’s called for.
As my neighbour said, my response actually alerted her to the fact that her own mood had caused her to get stuck in a negativity loop, due to being beset by her own personal challenges. Our interaction - and my compassionate correction (which I have to say was aided and sense checked by Dylan) - made us both remember the importance of pausing to understand rather than judge. Her mood was nothing to do with me. Just as my ordinary unsmiling face - that she may have glimpsed unbeknown to me - was nothing to do with her.
Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life
“We’re all just slightly awkward,” Dylan said, as we reflected on this interaction, a pithy truth worth remembering at the outset of any conversation. It’s far too easy to jump to conclusions, to rush into defend ourselves, to counterattack, or to cut ties with those we feel slighted by. But seeding and holding onto grudges only exacerbates the internal and inter-relational discord.
In short, think before you speak, check yourself when you find you’re assuming the worst, and remember that the world does not revolve around you. We’re all just having a human experience. The stumbles we each create and encounter don’t have to be such a big deal if we take a moment to appreciate that fact. Care a little less for the drama and the performance, and your mind - and all our relations - have a greater chance of peace.
Need a hand navigating your inner monologue?
Understanding the nature of our minds, our thought patterns, and working to free ourselves from the ways in which we get stuck is at the core of what I do in my capacity as a spiritual caregiver.
If you could benefit from a safely held space to unfurl, I offer 1:1 sessions where you have the chance to openly and honestly unburden what is on your heart and mind. These are 40 precious minutes for you to process whatever it is that has you feeling stuck, disconnected, untethered or low, in life and/or work. We also make time to celebrate the glimmers, the joys, the highs and the happy moments. It’s all part of tending to the whole of our human experience.
Further details and booking info, along with low cost options, are here on my website. If that resonates, get in touch. And if you know of others who might benefit, feel free to spread the word.