Connection matters, so why half-arse it?

The liberating power of not following the crowd

Living the dream of being really free: these happy chicks don’t need any other validation

You can listen to me read this essay to you here. And there’s a second audio recording at the bottom of this piece, by way of a free guided meditation.

I left Instagram and it felt, feels, so good to step away from a place and space that I know, and in fact I think we all know, does more to disassociate us than it does to connect.

For me, and I imagine for many of us (based on its alleged or at least surface intention), social media served a purpose for a time. It appeared to provide a convenient way of finding, sharing and exchanging ideas with and about people that I related to or was interested in relating to.

Appearance is the key word here, because as I said in my last post on Instagram, and on the one preceding it (where I said I was going to stick around, because to leave felt like it would be giving into the nefarious agenda to dis-empower people who want to speak up and be heard, which again, isn’t that all of us) - it’s all a delusion.

And I’ve decided that I want to live a life and connect with people in a way that is more aligned with as authentic a way of being as is possible (more on that in a moment). It’s about how I want to show up in the world and the truth is that social media has been depleting my sense of spirit, when what I want, and what I want for others, is to be uplifted, challenged, inspired and reliably informed.

I should add that I made some deep, loving and important connections on Instagram. Some have been life-changing. I’ve met many of you there, and many of you found me through it. For all of which I’m glad. But things have changed, as things invariably do and must.

The question arises, as it always does – what do we do in the face of change, how do we show up in ways that are more helpful than harmful for ourselves and each other?

FOMO (fear of missing out) is a lie

The truth is that these platforms are more harmful than helpful. Plenty has been written, studied and said about that without you needing me to add to the noise. Do we even need to read or study it when we can feel the effects in our own brain, bodies and bones, if we resist the false urgency and pause to notice?

For all its aforesaid benefits, I was certainly finding that social media (Instagram was the last one I was partially engaged with) was draining my time and my mind.

These places run on hope and fear. They make us hope, desperately, for attention and connection – the desire for which is not inherently problematic; we are human after all. The problem is that they sell us the lie that we will miss out if we don’t engage, that are lives are irrelevant if we’re not broadcasting about them. They create an undercurrent of fear that we are insignificant unless our worth is validated by a bunch of likes and metrics that are no real measure of a life well lived.

We have to wake up – life is not a marketing exercise, and there is more to it than what we get sucked into being led to mis-believe.

The word “authenticity” gets bandied about a lot these days, and at its core, it’s a worthwhile quality to aspire to embody – a skillful way to be, you might say. Authenticity is variously defined as being real and true, of corresponding to fact rather than fiction, of being trustworthy and reliable rather than fake and false.

I can honestly say that my way of showing up on social media, as in life in general, corresponds to this. To the degree that is discerning, skillful, boundaried, respectful and caring (for my own sake and the people I hope to connect with), I’m open about the struggles and the strains of my process and practice, as much as I am about the great and the good aspects.

But even so, I am not immune to the pressure and the push to curate one’s experience and message. For all the valid criticisms of how marketing and PR is rooted in an attempt to psychologically manipulate us, it’s also true that to reach the people we want to reach, we need to find ways of speaking to them in ways that resonate

And yet, when it gets exhausting, when its depleting and disconnecting you, it’s time to get real about how much it’s a half-arsed way of being.

There is another way

Back to how liberating it feels to move on. I’ve always been an introvert with a selective approach to how and with whom I prefer to socialise. What I realised was that Instagram (and don’t even get me started on the bizarre world of LinkedIn) no longer served me.

Like most of us, I want to be seen for who I am, and as a writer, I want to be read. But I don’t need everyone or just anyone to like me. Nor do I like feeling as though I have to persuade some unknown and random audience of strangers that my life is good, exciting, deep, meaningful or important.

I don’t buy the lie and I don’t accept my time being wasted.

Of course, I realise the importance of these platforms and spaces to encourage conversation, to gather momentum around revolutionary movements and activism that might not have another means or medium through which to reach the right people. But those very conversations, the important movements and revolutions, the causes and crises, get flicked and scrolled over because our attention spans have been compromised and become erratic – we see a dying baby, a blood spattered street, and then we flick straight onto a recipe or a dancing cat (I did this, Instagram made me!).

It is literally insane – there is no time to process, our nervous systems are being dysregulated.

I’ve vocalised before, to friends, fellow writers, my teachers, and in this very space, my concerns over whether I am, we are, just covering the world in our crap and burdening it with our noise. Again, let’s take it as given that I’m not talking about self-censoring here or remaining silent at times and on issues that matter.

I’m talking about discernment – making wise choices, and the pause that needs to come before that. I’m talking about the culture and haste and reactivity that has overshadowed us and which I worry, risks dulling our senses and confusing our perspective.

If not there, then where?

I noticed a thought emerge when I decided to stop sharing on Instagram: ‘what will happen with all the things I read, discover and gather?’ The second thought was, ‘well, sharing is caring, so I’ll share the things I care about with the people I care about.’

Then came a feeling of genuine excitement – the thrill of knowing that by saying no to that, I was saying yes to reclaiming my time and energy, which I intend to put into what I share here on Substack too, by way of my own enthusiasm for critical thinking and curiosity, and equally for how I wish to benefit others.

Something I’ve taken to doing, or rather returned to doing – because isn’t this what we used to do before social media came along – is sending “life updates”, moments of joy, surprise and pleasure, with people with whom I’m already connected. In other words, the attention that was going into sharing with an unknown quantity is now more healthily and pleasingly going into nurturing the relationships that matter.

Life is already real without making it so

On the point of critical thinking, I return to the question I ask myself and encourage others to ask: how much are we listening, how much do we really need to share, what’s our intention and how does it lead us to show up for (or indeed, miss) real life?

Can we look at something without having to write or post about it? How does it change our experience and our sense of presence? What happens to the experience of allowing things to be inherently worthwhile when we take away the conditioned impulse, or when we resist that socialised impulse to make something more than it already is? When the impulse arises to take a photo or post an update, can we notice what’s driving this impulse?

Are we being truly authentic, or are we pretending – and can we remember than we can choose differently?

Now your turn…

What are your thoughts? What has come up for you if you’ve read this far? How do you find your mind and behaviour is impacted by social media? How does it affect how you regulate your presence? Who are you when nobody is looking?

As ever, please do feel free to share your reflections in the comments. And last, but by no means least – because it matters hugely, in the grand scheme of things, and to me for the fact that you give it to my words – thank you for your attention!

Scroll down for a practice that invites you to reclaim some headspace…

Free audio meditation: Noticing, letting go and returning

One of the main challenges we find with meditation, with any practice that invites us to rest, pause and be relatively still (or at least more than we are in our regular lives) is the sense that we should be doing something else, or ruminating on what has already happened.

We can get drawn into the past, or the future - hoping, regretting, anticipating, planning, rehashing. In other words, the mind can tend to narrate our experience. This is partly its nature. It’s also a state of mind that is affected by the way we show up in our day to day lives – our thoughts shape our reality, and our lives shape our thoughts. So it helps to notice what we pay attention to – and what might be taking our attention away such that it causes more noise in the mind when we rest.

Meditation can help us to become aware of all of this, and in doing so, can allow us to let go of patterns and ways of being, to make wiser and more caring decisions about what we allow our attention to be consumed by. In this way, we can begin to change our inner narrative and free up space in our mind.

This short practice offers some guidance that can help you find your way towards that. Have a listen, see what emerges for you, and adapt it for longer sessions if you wish – or simply linger longer by pausing in the gaps.

Enjoy, be well, and be free!