It doesn't have to be like this
Do yourself (and everyone) a favour by caring more for what you say
The world would be a much better place if we chose our words more intentionally. If we thought before we spoke, maybe even did a bit more thinking and a little less talking. If peace is the intentional absence of noise, the omission of emissions, a conscientious effort towards harm reduction, then all it would take is each of us releasing a little less crap into the world.
“Easier said than done,” is a retort I often hear whenever an alternative to any kind of norm is mooted. Challenging this way of thinking - and these kinds of go-to and frankly lazy phrases that we resort to when we can’t think of anything else to say - is the crux of this post. Yes, it’s easier to keep doing what we’re doing than put the effort into changing. And yes, there is effort involved in choosing a more consciously aware approach.
If nobody changes, nothing changes
I’m talking specifically about the way we talk to each other, the words we use, the tired phrases that come out when we’re on autopilot. Whether it’s the intentional or unintentional thoughtlessness of words carelessly spoken, we owe it to our individual sanity and collective peace to do better.
Compassionately speaking, we are all just trying to make ourselves understood and often struggling to understand each other. That’s just the nature of human interaction - there’s a lot to digest and process, given the complexity and variation in the experiences and histories we each carry.
For thought to happen, for critical inquiry to occur, we first need to interrupt the false sense of urgency and haste with which we might be feeling compelled to half live. All of which is to say - stop, wait a minute, think a while. Don’t do the obvious or the automatic thing, do the human thing.
We’ve not yet been completely overtaken by the intrusively bland and vapid impacts of robotic communication. And on a fundamentally human level, at any point we can pause to consider, does it have to be like this, do I want to carry on like this, do I have to say things this way, is there a better way - a more human and humanising way?
Have some respect, give good feedback
I’ve come across and had to respond to some frustratingly vague briefings and feedback lately, and some harsh words thoughtlessly spoken - emissions devoid of substance, requests lacking in detail, presumptious remarks and bland platitudes. I’ve also coached several people through conversations around how to articulate the disdain, upset, disappointment or dissatisfaction they’ve felt after being treated unfairly or unkindly.
Getting it right, which is to say making a meaningful connection, comes down to being honest and clear; being assertive without being an ass. We all need to know when our words cause confusion or harm so that we can do better. Without real feedback we cannot grow. Sure, out of fear of rejection of confrontation we might conceal the truth behind platitudes or worse still, say nothing at all.. In the moment, our emotions might be activated, we might be taken aback, to the point where we find ourselves lost for the right words. So give yourself some time to find them.
None of us are perfect, and the impact of our words need not be permanent - if we care to do a bit better and try a little harder (or maybe less hard, if it’s over-thinking that causes the block). Whereas avoiding difficult conversations gets us nowhere. In fact, it’s a regressive step that only keeps us all stuck in wrong views.
Life is too short to dance around confusion. A friend whose father recently died alerted me to this startling fact (as laid out by the author and Guardian features writer Oliver Burkeman) - the average human lifespan of 80 years boils down to 4,000 weeks. I’m beyond the halfway point. I’m also in the fortunate position of being in my perimenopausal 40s, which means my hormones and my changing brain are pleasingly alert to and intolerant of any bullshit. All of which makes for a life-affirming perspective that literally has no time for nonense.
Phrases to avoid and prompts for some humanity
Here are some tedious, empty phrases that I’ve seen (over)used, and phrases that others have asked me for alternatives to. In all honesty, I’ve used these in the past before - and I’ve learned and trained myself to do better.
Rather than tell you what to say, my invitation here - as with everyone I work with - is to think for yourself and refresh your creative agency as you find your own response:
“I hope you’re well” - what do you know about the person you’re addressing, is there some actual personal detail you can refer to, is there a meaninful connection you can open with? If you genuinely want to build rapport, then find a reason to be sincere. And if you don’t know this person, remove this phrase, it is a vague affront that lacks humaneness.
“We regret to inform you” - what makes you sorry about having to relay some unfortunate news, is there some actual detail you can open with, if it’s a rejection, then can you qualify or quantify it? Otherwise, this phrase is deeply unconvincing and likely to prompt more resentment than a felt sense of care.
“Just to let you know” - a pointless phrase, get to the matter of what you want to let the person know. As for the word “just”, it’s so often a veiled attempt at either an insincere or a self-deprecating apology. Either way, you’re doing yourself a disservice if you use it - so don’t.
Say what you mean and mean what you say
A useful prompt I often give people when helping them think through and get to their point is to start with this: “What I really want to say is….”
Free write or think on it in the privacy of a notebook that nobody needs to see, get some answers out of yourself, then refine them. What comes out initially might be a tirade, a complaint, a vent. All of which is fine. It will likely not be entirely appropriate or fit for public consumption (back to the opening point about emitting less crap and the intention to minimise harm).
The purpose of this exercise is to get clear on what is helpful, necessary or true, and what is emotional background or excess detail. It’s a practice in pausing to discern.
Silence can be nonviolence
Finally, if you’re unsure or unclear, if you can’t find the words, if you’re repeating what’s already been said and likely to add more noise than sense, then consider whether at least for the moment, it might be better to say nothing at all - at least until you’ve gotten some clarity on the matter and can come from a place of mental and verbal composure.
On that point….
Want some help in communicating better?
The art, skill and science of craft and composition is what I specialise in. The world is full of noise, drama and misunderstanding. As communicators (which we all are), we have a creative opportunity to lend clarity rather than confusion. I’m in the practice of helping people do better.
Whether you’re looking for some professional support in crafting a well-pointed message or story, or you’re an individual seeking some 1:1 guidance to elevate your self-talk and inter-relations, I can help. If you’re looking for author mentoring and book coaching, copywriting or editorial consultancy, or spiritual care, come my way.
This is frikkin spot on! It is exhausting how we communicate with each other. My dad often uses "Just for your information," and it makes my blood curdle. Succinctly written.