What's a helpful story?
Unfiltered insights into my reflective writing practice
A helpful story is a true story. A true story is one that doesn’t shy away from the pain and the confusion that is invariably part of the path, the journey towards realisation via the struggle of healing.
A helpful story is one that has a beginning, a middle and a transition - if not an end - that indicates that there is hope for change. Because what do we go looking for when we read the words of others? Me, I want to, and I often find that I do, relate to the angst and the tumult of other people’s stories. I am moved by the heartfelt and the heartbreaking insights that someone dares to share. And then, when I reach the ending, I think, ‘aha, it’s like that, and it’s like this’.
Helpful stories are helpful because they guide us towards some deeper understanding of the complexities of what it means to live a human life in relation to people and groups and systems and dynamics against which we have cause to rally and rail. They put into words the thoughts that entangle our mind, they give voice to feelings we might not otherwise know how to utter.
I think about the stories of Lemn Sissay and Roxane Gay, of Patti Smith and Arundhati Roy, of Ruth Ozeki and Rebecca Solnit, of Bruce Lee and the Buddha, of Nick Cave and Sylvia Plath, of Milan Kundera and Aldous Huxley. Stories that taught me how to live before I had fully figured out how, that teach me how to carry on when I’m not sure I can, that lift my spirit and soothe my soul when I am clouded by doubt.
There is strength in the act of giving and receiving the words of each other.
I think of my own personal essays that have provoked the most response, when I have not held myself back from revealing my vulnerability, when I have shared from the scars more than the wounds.
Unhelpful stories perpetuate confusion by only telling a half truth, by remaining on the surface, skirting around the peripheral edges, hiding from the ugliness and the dirt that sits beneath.
It’s like gardening - I want to know how and where to plant a seed, in what conditions, with what soil, with how much water, so that eventually, guided by specifics and appropriate attention, in time, that seed will transform into a plant, a vegetable, a fruit.
Helpful stories then are about the nature, the sometimes brutalising and unforgiving, and occasionally recovery-inspiring and life-affirming nature of transformation.
This is not to say that helpful stories must have a happy ending. Sometimes the most informative and inspiring stories are those that at their conclusion, reveal the horror and the sadness that is part of this human life. I think of watching the film ‘Who Will Take Care of My Children?’ with my sister when we were kids, my mother pacifying my sister who was racked with tears while I sat on the stairs, quietly contemplating death.
These stories help us to understand, to open our minds and our hearts, they prompt us to feel something. And by reading or listening or seeing the messy depths of feelings, we learn that it’s okay even when it’s not.
We learn that not only is it okay to feel, but that it’s vital that we do, even when it hurts. Because by feeling, we are connected, we are nourished and we are fulfilled, by seeing the joy and the pain that co-mingle to make a life.
This piece emerged during a ten-minute writing practice with the prompt, ‘What is a helpful story?’, inspired by the following words from the Buddhist teacher Dzigar Kongtrul. I invite you to read them, sit with them, and then set a timer for 10 minutes and let your own thoughts flow, unfiltered, to the page:
“Stories are helpful to us when they are in line with how how things naturally function in the world - with the law of cause and effect. Such stories lead us to greater harmony and happiness. Unhelpful stories merely perpetuate our confusion.”
Writing prompt:
What comes to your mind when you think of the idea of a helpful story?
For more writing inspiration and guidance, you are welcome to join my weekly Reflective Practice & Writing Circle. We meet every Thursday, live on Zoom, 6pm UK / 12pm Central / 1pm Eastern / 10am Pacific / 7pm Spain, for one hour, to practice Yoga-inspired movement, meditation, compassionate inquiry, mindful sharing and listening.
This is so helpful to read as I'm putting together a writing sample for a program I hope to be accepted! Thank you so much 💜
Really enjoyed this piece and your reflection on the helpful story. Where would we be without them? Storytelling as a (community) practice is deeply nourishing in many ways.
I agree that we, as humans, are most moved by true, helpful stories, by your definition, that do not hold back from revealing real vulnerability (not the buttoned up pretty & fake vulnerability). Loved your line on when you have “shared from the scars more than the wounds.”
I’ve been reflecting about this: how certain pieces of art (stories, writing, music, paintings, you name it) move us more than others, touching us at our core. It’s often unexplainable in our language why one song, for example, moved us more than the next. I generally come to the conclusion that we can feel the authenticity, the depth, the vulnerability below the surface and are more moved by ones that are your definition of helpful.